January 03, 2008
my love stories
due to my unhappy childhood, it had caused a lot of fears to myself.i doubt, i have yet to develop abilities to cope with that.
parts of myself has a huge wound, waiting to be healed or to be understood.
are they the main reason i failed in my previous relationships with Q & Kev P?
i doubt so.
i was being hurt in my 2nd relationship with B. it was a painful memories.
i put all my trust on him. gave in all my heart & soul. yet i received a broken heart back to myself.
he took me for granted. threw temper on me. checked every single call records on my mobile phone. lies to me whenever he went out with other girls. used my mobile phone to call that girl. searched for money in my wallet. never visited my parents. never greeted my family on new year. argued with his parents in front of me. lazy to work. complaints of his life all the time.
everything was so wrong. but i choose to stay. for 2.5yrs.from 1999 - 2001.
the pain was so heavy. till i stop believing in love.
there were so much problems occurred when i met Kev P.
because i don't trust in love anymore. i had so many doubts on myself & the relationship.
he was trying to prove that he was serious in the relationship by showing me to involve with his family, attend their big family gathering dinner with all the relatives, bring me to work place to explain his work procedure, intro his good friends & work colleagues, talk to me every night even he went abroad, tell me exactly how he feels all the time.
but deep inside of me has a huge wound still bleeding.
because i don't trust love was genuine. so i did a lot of stupid things to test how strong was his love.
i went out with other guy when we had argument, or when he was busy at works on weekends.
i was just being naive to think that's the way to get back his attention.
he asked me what do i really want from him? but i was remained silent. i didn't know how to open my heart & tell him exactly how i feel. i never know i could be a mute in front of him.
all i did was so wrong. he walked out & left without a word to end our short relationship in 2002.
at first, i was still confused of myself. did i really chase him away? does he never come back again?
i think i was just being naive by messing my life after Kev P left.
i cried at nights when i returned home from clubs. i messaged him but he never replied.
i couldn't sleep that i need to take sleeping pills. i couldn't think that i need to pause a diploma studies.
i couldn't talk that all i do is crying over him.
this situation remained for nearly 1 yr. then a guy friend Dar was there to help me crossed my mind.
i started to think what have i done in my past. what i really want. who am i exactly.
just when i thought love could never be part of me, Q came along on 2004.
he showed me happiness by accompanying me at works, listening to my problems, intro his good friends, family lunch/dinner with his parents every week, bring me to overseas vacation every year, paying household bills, cook me a meal on weekends, dine out at town restaurants every Fridays, never clubs, never lies.
the relationship was good until sept 2005. that's when Kev P came back & asked me back.
i was confused in maze by his words. & i admit my heart was shacking at that time.
after that incident Kev P was getting married with V, which i only realised on Oct 2007, the month his 1st child was born. but he never told me. i knew it from his uncle.sounds bad huh?he never treated me as a friend.what he done was ruining my relationship by shacking my heart.yet he never considered to be with me in a more serious way.
i choose to stay with Q. not ever considered Kev P anymore.
but i found that we were lack of true communication from 2006.
Q was misunderstanding my friendship with my sg guy friend, Der.
he's having doubts on me but he never tells.
i don't know was it the main reason caused us apart.
we never talked about marriage nor our future even when we were in a relationship for 2 years.
unhealthy huh? i was wrong too. because i never opened my heart to him. i choose to hide & seek the fact that's my inner fears.
on mar 2007, our 3rd year anniversary (which we never celebrated it), he made a decision to work abroad for long term. i supports him for whatever he wants to do. but never realised it was the ending for us.
when he's gone, his calls from daily becomes 2-3 times per week, becomes 1 time per week.
my tears fall every time i finished my meal, before i went on bed, half way watching tv...
he told me not to put him on my future plan. if i like someone else, he wont blame me 'cause he's the one who giving out the opportunity of having me.
i was so shock when i heard these words came out from his mouth.
i let myself calm down, & tell him don't let me hanging, 'cause that's not gonna work out for us anymore, as we don't share a same future goal.
just when i thought love could never be easy, Sil came along.
everything seems to be so right.
the conversation we have, the way he shows me love & concerns by bringing me milk choc when i'm mood swing, carrying me an umbrella on a rainy day, stop the car at road side to buy food for me or my family, surprise me with little gifts once in a while...
we would tell each other how we feel about us, and it's so true that i'm thinking about us everyday.
no one ever made me felt in this way.
and i don't ever wanna be with no one else.
i never be so sure, until i met him.
i wish he could guide me through my life lesson.
i wish he could be my ending, & my everything.
i wrote it all from my heart. because all i wanna do is to wipe out my sad memories. forget all those buried & painful parts of myself. i wanna stand up & trust in love again.
Labels: thoughts
